Hope's back, with a side order of wings.

The last three weeks have been an emotional roller-coaster for me. I went from elation to depression to confidence to doubt and back to confidence, at an even higher level than before, all in the space of 21 days.

The truth of it is that settling into the new job has been challenging. I have had my doubts as to whether it was a good move to make, as to whether I can actually do the job. These fears, however, are slowly being put to rest as I learn more about the new position, as well as the new environment that I find myself in.

Going from a fairly relaxed journalistic background into a completely corporate environment is a culture shock,  no doubt. But adaptation and willpower are seeing me through. Add to that the fact that the work I am doing is being met with great enthusiasm, and that my ideas are being lauded, and you have a very nice combination.

The guy I report to asked me the other day: "what is it that you want?" He meant from  life, not from the job. My response was simple. "I want to stop battling with money.  And I want to cast a long shadow." He laughed at the last comment, because it sounded so mafia-esque. And then he assured me that I have come to the right place.

Here, now, I am in a position where hard work is recognised and rewarded. I am nothing if not willing to work hard, particularly when I stand to benefit from my blood, sweat and tears. Hell, I have been working hard, but in the wrong environments. This is different. This is dependable, and strong. This is where I need to be to turn my life around. Take my financial situation, for example. For the last seven years (since my divorce) I have been in a bad state. Now, though, I can turn it around. With the right discipline - sticking to my budgets and not going ape-shit with the money that I am getting in - I can be debt-free (as much as anyone ever is) by the end of next year. That sounds like a long time, but to see that light, that glimmer of hope at the end of a seven-year tunnel... it's pretty damned amazing. I have rediscovered two things that have been missing in my life for so long that they are almost alien feelings to me - I have rediscovered true positivity, and hope. It sounds all quasi-spiritual and a bit kooky, but it's the damned truth.

I know what you want to say, and no, I am not fooling myself. This is going to be tough - there will be many difficult days ahead, many horrid frustrations. But, in the end, it will all be worth it. It will. It is my will that it will be so, and so it will. But there is more than pig-headed stubborness behind that. There is a certainty, an absolute, unarguable KNOWLEDGE, that things are going to be different now.

I feel  like a kid, a thirty four year old kid with all the potential in the world to back me up. I have realised that this is a great job and I am going to be damned good at it and, when I achieve my targets (which look steep on paper, but in reality are very reachable) that I will be rewarded for doing so.

To take a quote from a Tool song out of context: "It's time now, my time  now, give me my wings." From this moment on, I soar with the eagles.